What to do with Criticism

Normally, when someone (let’s call them person A) says something about someone else (we’ll call this person B), our tedency is to believe it without questioning it. But this isn’t always the right thing to do.

The people listening need to examine the situation and the people involved to decide what is really going on. It is possible that what person A said has nothing to do with truth. But how does one determine this?

The formula for examining and evaluating such statements is that there are several things that could be the truth concerning what person A said about person B:

a. It could be a true and honest communication from A about B.

b. It could be person A’s misperceptions or misunderstandings based on any number of things: Just not looking at what is really going on, problems in person A’s communication ability (including problems in hearing what was really said), different beliefs about reality (“if you do that, that’s a sin!”), and so on.

c. It could be person A’s agenda, conscious or unconscious, getting in the way of person A’s ability to truly see or at least honestly state what is there, so that what is communicated has everything to do with the agenda and nothing to do with the truth, or has so little truth in it that it will take some digging to get to it. (An agenda is where a person has an ulterior motive for saying or doing something, such as to make themselves feel better by putting down or discrediting a person who threatens them. People with agendas are seldom utterly truthful; at the very best, what they say is incomplete and biased in favor of their agenda, and at worst is a complete lie)

Quick Housekeeping Note

Today, I split a previous entry, Responsibility and Denial, into two separate entries, because that entry was really about two related but separate topics. The new entries are titled Understanding Denial and What to do with Criticism.

Understanding Denial

People in denial often state their denials in this form: “I’m not ___” or “I do ___,” when in fact they are ___ or they don’t ___. For example, someone might say, “”I’m not the kind of person to find fault” when in fact they are always finding fault with others, or “I always tell the truth” when the truth is a rare thing coming from them. These statements often accompany the action they are denying. For example, someone might say, “I’m not the kind to find fault, but didn’t you think that Suzie’s dress was a bit lacking in taste for this event?”

The reason for this is often that they are in denial about that aspect of themselves; in fact, that is exactly what denial is: Saying that something isn’t so when it is, or saying something is so when it isn’t. And yet some healthier impulse urges them to state the denial as its opposite, giving them a chance to look at what is inside, and giving others a heads up about what is really going on. If others hear someone starting to say, “I’m not the sort to find fault, but….”, then they know that whatever follows is almost certainly the person finding fault with someone, and they also know that almost certainly finding fault is a characteristic of that person.

Mystery Message: Runaway Daughter

I got a spiritual tap on the shoulder, so to speak, to post this message. I am going on faith that it is an accurate message that will reach the person it is intended for. I would like to comment on it, but I am being given a very strong directive to not say anything and to just let the message stand as I received it. I am not even allowed to give the usual caveats. So here it is.

Children don’t run away from home for no reason. If you are thinking that you did not contribute in any way to your child running away, please do your best to examine yourself and your interactions with your daughter. We know it is difficult to shine light on areas that have been kept dark for so long, but if you wish to see your daughter again, you must stop feeling sorry for yourself and saying you did nothing wrong.

Though we are not saying you did anything wrong. What we are saying is that sometimes a woman can be caught up in her own image of herself and lose sight of how she is treating others around her. Your outside appearance—the image you presented to those outside the family—was very strongly different from the face you turned toward your daughter. We believe that you know this at your core and that you fear having to confront your own inner demons. You fear finding out the “devastating” truth about yourself, which is that you sometimes make mistakes and that you are not perfect.

But what can be more devastating than losing your beloved daughter, whom you truly love but didn’t act lovingly toward? Yet it is never too late to change.

Take heart and take heed. She can be in your life again if you truly wish it, and you can show that you truly wish it by focusing on becoming more aware of who you truly are—both your strengths and yes, your weaknesses. Comfort yourself in knowing that everyone is a mix of the strong and the weak, and that everyone is struggling with some issue or another, even if you don’t see it. So it means nothing bad about yourself if you admit what it is that you are most afraid of, and start working on that issue; in fact, it means everything good, in that the healing will have finally started for you and so, in a sense, for the rest of the world. Be at peace and take heart. Amen.